Blaming Others Slows Down Our Evolution

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By Stephane Leblanc, Founder and CEO, International Centre for Conscious Leadership

A lot of people are quick to blame others for how they feel instead of accepting full responsibility for all their emotions. This is a behaviour we have learned when we were young and for many people, they have carried this behaviour into adulthood.

When I share with people that no matter what happens in their lives , they can always choose how they respond and also choose to be 100% responsible for all their emotions, some of them get mad at me and say: but you don't know what she did to me.

I learned a lot from Victor Frank, a Jewish psychiatrist who was a prisoner in Auschwitz and chose to use his experience to observe human nature and become a better psychiatrist. He said this was one of the reasons why he was one of the few who survived.

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In that choice lies our growth and freedom. - Victor Frankl

I also learned a lot from a friend who was born in Rwanda, was sexually abused twice before she was 17 and lost 34 family members our of 40 to the genocide. Having lived such traumatic experiences, she would be entitled to feel a lot of negative emotions and to blame others for these emotions. Being the evolved woman that she is, she has made a different choice. She has chosen to be responsible for all her emotions and to heal herself which allows her to grow and evolve and not to allow her past to dictate her present and future.

This need to blame others is often rooted in the unhealed wounds of our youth which had been anchored through our fears and limiting beliefs which are mostly unconscious and in our most basic human needs: the need to be safe, the need to be loved and the need to be recognized. 

By blaming others for our emotions, it allows us to project our bad feeling unto others and it makes us feel better temporary. However, this prevents us from healing what we need to heal to prevent being triggered again in the future. In a way, we allow ourselves to be the victim of our lives circumstances instead of being the creators of our lives.

I know that some people have endured very traumatic experiences and I am in no way trying to diminish these. What I am saying is that by not assuming responsibility for our emotions in the present and not healing our past traumatic experiences, we allow these negative experiences to impact how we feel today, and it is like we are re-living the same negative experiences every day.

As we want to transform our life and rise to our full potential as leaders and as humans, it is essential that we make a choice to be responsible for our emotions as this allows us to access personal mastery, to be more emotionally intelligent and have more equanimity. No matter what happens in our life, we can remain calm and centered and choose the most appropriate response.

We can then become the creator of our live.